Open Letter To Theresa May

Dear Theresa,

I hope this letter meets you well and you are in good health.

My plan is to keep this brief just because I know you have a million items on your desk. My intention is to pass on some advice re: Syria.

To facilitate this approach, I will communicate by bullet points.

As a background, I must inform you I have form for this sort of thing, having written a similar piece to David Cameron.

In any event, please ignore that epistle for now and let me spell out my counsel to you:

1. 1. Chemical weapon attacks have happened several times in Syria. Evidence has shown the Assad government has not been responsible for all those attacks.
2. 2. Britain is on his way out of the European Union. We need to start being more strategic in our actions. Just because the EU supported our accusation of Russia on the Salisbury attack, doesn’t mean we owe them support on Syria.
3. 3. Macron will need to show us his evidence that “they were used by the Assad regime.” We can no longer risk the security of our country just on the basis of innuendo.
4. 4. Every single military action we have taken in the Middle East has come home to roost in the form of refugees and domestic attacks.
5. 5. With the expiration of Tony Blair’s influence at governmental levels, the EU hawks have now pitched their tent with Macron. We don’t have to follow him blindly. Remember, we did that in Libya, only to find out France went into that crisis with a completely selfish and hidden agenda.
6. 6. You are a PM who was not voted into office by the people, so it’s imperative that you listen to the electorate before you enter into any commitment of our armed forces. Your legacy will suffer if you ignore public opinion.
7. 7. Your government is already suffering the backlash of jumping to conclusions re: Russia’s involvement in Salisbury. Time to tread softly.
8. 8. Don’t rush to a decision based on the current noise. Think about what your point of view will be 10 years from now and then come to a conclusion.
9. 9. As you can see with Tony Blair before you, no one remembers the other members of the cabinet after the event. The consequences of the whatever commitments you make, will be an albatross around your neck until the grave.
10. 10. Leave Syria to Syrians.

There you are PM. Thanks for your time. Wishing you the best.

Open Letter to David Cameron (Part 2).

Dear Dave,

I wonder if you got the chance to read my last letter, although it now seems clear it would have made no difference. Now that you have lost the vote in parliament, I thought it might be prudent for me to advance further words of advice on how to move forward.

First things first, even though he is a Tory darling (mainly due to that speech a few generations ago), it is the right time to move William Hague on. Yes, he is one of your closest allies and yes, you will alienate a few right-wingers in your party (bloody rebels, all of them!), but the truth is Mr Hague will be better suited to the Home Office portfolio. A Foreign Secretary is really a PM in waiting and they are the individual who travels around the world to represent the government, consequently, gravitas is a requisite trait. Don't think I need say more on that one.

Next, now that she will no longer have a job, you can move Theresa May to Health....let's be frank, if Jeremy Hunt can do the job, then so can Madame May. The worst that can happen is the odd scandal and mismanagement here and there.....Theresa is the queen of missteps, so she should fit right in. Besides, she is going to betray you anyway, as the Tory leadership tussle hots up. Better you push her down the ladder now, than have to ask Et Tu Theresa down the line. Don't let the leopard-print shoes fool you.

Now, let's get to the nitty gritty....Syria. Granted you were so stubborn in your determination in getting the issue to the Commons, but surely, even a Bullingdon boy like you must understand how to win votes. It is not done by being nice and asking MPs politely to report to the chamber, rather it is conducted in the most vicious and spine-chilling manner. You require Whips from the Walter Harrison and Bernard "Jack" Weatherill school, who are prepared to scare their fellow colleagues with career-threatening phone calls and still invite them to breakfast the next morning, once the vote is won.

Instead, all you have now is what is slowly becoming a lame-duck scenario. Ed Miliband, a man who is clearly inferior to you in terms of communication, has somehow managed to steal your thunder and gavalnise his troops. Whats more, people on the street now look at your job and see him as an adequate replacement. Yes, he is a back-stabbing, ruthless bugger, but as far as most of us watching from the sidelines are concerned, this is an apt description for all of you who work in the building with the world's most famous clock. The earlier you realise this and hit Ed where it hurts...the better.

Whilst attempting to decapitate Mr Miliband, do not be distracted by all this nonsense about France taking our place in the special relationship with America. Apart from the Statue of Liberty thing, the Americans are never going to gel with the French. The true essence of a special relationship is the similarity of thought and just because we think alike, doesn't mean we are not going to disagree sometimes....after all what purpose does a special bond serve, if we can't have the odd divergence?

In truth, I wish you had waited for Obama to play his hand before you showed your cards. If you consider the fact he is by far the superior politician and communicator, it would have been shrewder to see how he handled the matter. Now, on the back of your defeat, he has used you to move his case forward, knotting Congress' legs and waiting to see a fallout that would not only support his policy, but also improve his imploding ratings. Pay attention Dave....see how players play!

As a Political science graduate, I was going to delve into giving you loads of guidance and recommend reading the "Art of War" and "Vom Kriege," but you can imagine my shock when I found out you bagged a 1st in PPE from Oxford no less...wow. Well, it may be time to dust off your Uni books and get back to basics, otherwise, it may surprise you that your BC and Oxford senior, Boris, could utilise his Classics degree to the full extent of political treachery.

In conclusion, I heard a wicked rumour about the UK government (under your stewardship). Some 'recalcitrant' red-top has been saying we sold chemical weapon ingredients to Syria in 2010! Personally, I refuse to believe such evil chit-chat, as I do not accept we could have sold Assad such chemicals and now want to stand in judgement over him today. But then I saw some more damning details.

Come on Dave, say it ain't so....

Regards

Kanmi Iyanda

P.S - You have to do something about your 'New World Order' advisers. They make you look arrogant, distant and not living in reality. It's up to you Dave, tick...tock...tick...tock.

The League of 3000 Slaps

“It is tempting, if the only tool you have is a hammer, to treat everything as if it were a nail.”

- Abraham Maslow I have never been a fan of Theresa May. I think it’s only fair this piece begins with that sentiment out in the open.

From my modest position, she has always struck me as being more style (well…) over substance. An individual so talentless and flawed, that it is only possible for such a person to rise to high office, when the pool of choice is filled with equally weak compadres.

Let’s be frank, can you imagine someone of Theresa’s limited capabilities in Margaret Thatcher’s cabinet?

Remember her shambolic speech at the Tory conference in 2011, when in her haste to mock the Human Rights Act and impress her fellow Blues in one fell swoop, she failed to check her facts and basically informed the conference that an illegal immigrant had not being deported because of his pet cat! As it turned out, this fable had been doing the rounds for months and had been debunked several times over.

But our Home Secretary and her band of merry civil servants had not bothered to check the facts with the Home Office. The instant gratification she longed for was clearly more important than the truth.

Moving on in her litany of errors, Theresa left us sufficiently puzzled with her next trick. You remember the one…..where she, without the knowledge of Parliament, decided to relax UK borders and in doing so had completely run headlong into the Border Agency’s hierarchy.

Miraculously, she came out of the ensuing massacre, position intact, although the likes of Brodie Clark weren’t so lucky. But then as we all know, Theresa’s Prime Minister adjudged she was still doing a good job and kept her on. One wouldn’t want to offend the right-wing of the party, would one?

Saying that, I am convinced David Cameron paid for that folly, with copious amounts of wincing when his Home Secretary predictably struggled before the Home Affairs Committee. In an hour-long duel, Theresa fluffed her lines, looked completely rattled and unprepared. It was clear she shouldn’t be in charge of anyone; talk less of one of the most important governmental departments.

In a particularly embarrassing session, our dear Home Secretary under intense scrutiny had no choice but to admit her ignorance as to which airports had implemented her newly relaxed regime. To spare her blushes, one of her embarrassed aides had to pass her a piece of paper with the correct information. You could almost hear the collective gasp of her fellow MPs.

Then there was her completely impotent reaction to the London riots. In absence of the Prime Minister, the next person to look up to in those types of domestic scenarios is the Home Secretary and boy, did she look limp and ineffective! And to think this is an individual who has desires on Number 10. I suppose if one’s skin has been undeservedly saved many times, one ultimately begins to develop delusions of grandeur.

I could go on, but what purpose will it serve to inform you that we currently have an inept Home Secretary, when it is undeniably clear to most? In these times of global and domestic insecurity, when the country appears to have home-grown enemies even keener than our external foes, it is a thing of amazement and quite frankly, sadness, that this person holds such a position.

Clearly the gods are ready to kill off this coalition….why else will they first make them mad?
Why else would the May lady decide her latest venture would be to come up with a £3,000 visa bond scheme that singles out Nigeria, Ghana, Pakistan, India, Bangladesh and Sri Lanka?

Apparently, this latest proposal of hers is to deter visiting overstayers and tourists who illegally recourse to public services, like the NHS. As one would expect, this hasn’t gone down well with everyone, although there are supporters of the scheme who are urging her to even raise the value of the bond.

Oh well, as someone of Nigerian descent myself, there are many things I could write in this article at this point, but I must rise above the utter stupidity of this latest debacle. It appears our madam still sees the UK with severely tainted spectacles. In the relentless pursuit of some UKIP votes, she has forgotten the people who do the donkey-work for everyone else.

Go around any major city and tell me who are the cleaners, the public transport workers, the people who run and man the corner shops. Those jobs are the real backbone of this economy and anyone who tells you different is deluded. My naive expectation was the relevant communities would be treated with a smidgen of respect.

I realise Theresa wants to be Tory leader one day and as such has to lay down her ambitious marker, so we do get the message loud and clear. People like me are obviously the problem in this country and once these issues have been resolved with the £3000 bond, the country will be alright on the night! That of course is the curse of the one-dimensional political character that populates our government today….they have the same answer to all problems…..it’s always the darkie’s fault!

Just for the sake of clarity, can we just agree that overstayers and exploiters of this country’s welfare structure, come from all over the world and furthermore, they come in all shades and colours. We have Aussies, South Africans (during and after apartheid), Russians, Eastern Europeans and many more.

I thought we should point that out because it appears the only immigration offenders that our leaders are concerned about; seem to be the ones who don’t look like them. My guess is they just thought why offend everyone when we can just pick on the soft-touch nations?  It is not only highly offensive, insensitive and infuriating, it is downright revolting!

What is required is stronger immigration controls, a more effectively run Border Agency and tougher checks to ensure visitors do not take recourse to public funds. What we have been given is a proposal stewed from the laziest form of ministerial work and it all stinks of electoral desperation.

But then, why should anyone be surprised….after all it has Theresa May’s paws all over it.