A February named Bizarre.

I have to confess my cynicism for all things connected to astrology, so you can imagine my conceited disdain when some crank cornered us at a festival last month and read out a list of planetary mumbo jumbo about impending strange happenings.

Apparently, Neptune will be entering Saturn and a full moon will descend upon us with Venus, Mercury and Jupiter also fighting for our attention. Wow!!

It was quite hilarious, even more so, when some of my party appeared genuinely enthralled by it all. The crank went on to tell us 2013 was to be a stand-out year, with loads of bizarre happenings. I remember sneering at the time and wondering if this gathering around a weirdo, was the first installment in the prediction.

In the end, I left my pals there and moved to the Vodka tent.....some guy showing everyone how to turn potatoes into alcohol and being nice enough to share the brew for £1 a shot! Genius move, especially with the ambient arctic winter. And even better, nobody needed to predict I would be pissed within the hour.

That was two weeks ago, and today, devoid of the effects of the vodka, I am slowly beginning to realise my 'crank' description may have been totally exaggerated at best, or misguided at worst.

The psychic was bang on....some strange s**t is indeed happening!

So, the list so far:

• For the first time in history, a power outage occurs at the Superbowl.
• North Korea conducts a nuclear test, which we had all been assured was beyond her capabilities.
• For the first time in 600 years, a Pope resigns.
• A meteor (those shooting stars they told us not to worry about) nearly hits Mother Russia, showering and injuring a thousand people in the process.
• Oscar Pistorius, superstar sportsman, inexplicably kills his girlfriend.

Admittedly, all the above is quite unnerving, but what type of world will it be, if we allowed bogus seers to control our every thought? Surely, the whole thing must just be some unfortunate culmination of bizarre occurrences.

I mean, I foresaw Nigeria lifting the African Cup of Nations (even though sadly I have no witnesses). Does that somehow make me qualified to put up a crystal ball tent in forthcoming festivals?

As a blogger, I believe it is my job to introduce some demystification and attempt to bring some mature assessment to the so-called strange happenings. I will do my best to be succinct.

So, here we go:

• Superbowl Power outage - We don't need to overdress this....let us stick with the Beyonce explanation. It will do until an official one is announced.
• North Korea - If the Iraq invasion did not convince us the so-called superpowers don't have a clue what is happening in the world, this event should effectively nail that coffin. Maybe for once, chubbier people will start to earn our respect....they don't call him Little Kim for nothing!
• Pope's Resignation - Shed no tears... let's be honest, he should never have attained the papacy in the first place. Yes, I said it and I am still going to heaven!
• Russian Meteor - In spite of all the American movies telling us different, it appears the Aliens are interested in anywhere, but America.
• Oscar Pistorius - Four shots.....sorry Oscar, no legs to stand on!

It is my fervent hope that these events now look completely ordinary and your fears have been allayed. To be honest, I was getting tired of the collective woahs and wows.

We should get used to it.....S**t Happens!

The Book of Revelations according to Kim Jong-Un

"Better the rule of One, whom all obey, than to let clamorous demagogues betray our freedom with the kiss of anarchy."

- Oscar Wilde

Anyone who happens to pop by my blog every now and then can attest to my 'obsession' with Kim Jong-Un.

Every opportunity I get to lampoon the young leader is seized so tightly and I never let go until satisfied a thorough comical surgery has been performed. So, why do I write about him so much? Well, it's quite simple - he, like all the attention-seeking dictators before him, intrigues me.

And judging by the worldwide media's obsession with a picture of Kim's smartphone a few days ago, it appears I am not the only one. Let's face it....the guy is the only show in town.

With the untimely demise of the Saddams and Gaddafis of this world, we might not realise it, but we desperately need someone to entertain the macabre side of our collective psyche. The vacumn has to be filled, and Kim is perfectly poised to now wear the crown of the world's most Unstable Leader and ride the proverbial tiger for a pretty long time, until the 'big boys' decide his time is up.

So, fast forward to the early hours of this morning and Kim has raised the ante once more, conducting an underground nuclear test and creating the type of worldwide panic that tickles his ample ego. There is just something about his expression that makes you believe he spends most of his days, pounding the corridors of his palace sulking, because his army advisers wouldn't let him press the red button! His philosophy seems to be akin to the Gerard Bulter character in the film, 'Law Abiding Citizen,' when he said;

"I'm gonna pull the whole thing down. I'm gonna bring the whole f*****g diseased, corrupt temple down on your head. It's gonna be biblical!"

China, as North Korea's school father and mother rolled into one, are desperate not to see any 'end of the world' scenarios play and as such have gone into diplomatic top gear. They assumed their providence of 90% of North Korean energy and food supplies, would keep the 'Chubster' in his cage, but they conveniently forgot Kim 'Oliver Twist' Jung-Un is the little boy who always wants more.

Anyone who cannot allow an 85 year old man enjoyed his retirement moment in the limelight, cannot be trusted.