In God's Hands - Of Forgeries and Blackmail

The loud pop from my friend's overzealous opening of his bottle of Guinness, brought a much needed silence to the frenzied argument.

"Guys, we came here to watch football and not discuss political nonsense," he screamed.

We, the three who were guilty as charged, gave each other sarcastic looks, as we struggled to hold our laughter. To be fair, we were breaking one of the cardinal laws of sports. We are here to argue about goals, tackles, the referee, VAR and why Victor Moses outfell Neymar by a ratio of 3 to 1. Actually, that was another game...today, we are watching Engerland (if you know, you know).

The one thing we definitely were not here for, was to bicker about; the Nigerian finance minister and her allegedly forged NYSC exemption certificate. After the game, sure, we can don our political colours, but not whilst watching England's young lions trying to make history.

Consequently, all three of us bowed our heads in false contrition and mournful silence. That was until Leicester's own, Harry Maguire saved the atmosphere, by sending a bullet of a header into the corner of the Swedish goal.

With the over-celebrations concluded and a slight lull in the game, we, the guilty three sensed an opening. We took it and I nominated myself as ringleader and spokesman.

"My thing is this; there was an extensive delay in appointing these ministers in the first place and the presidency's explanation at the time, justified it all by claiming detailed checks were being conducted to ensure the process was above board. So, how can this happen," I asked, downing my glass of wine and shaking my head for effect.

Our Guinness friend, eyes fixed on the game, kept a dignified hush, whilst we re-ignited the war of words. Matthew, my fellow wine swigger, wagged his finger as he made his point.

"The fundamental issue here, is your lack of understanding of Nigeria. I know you travel to Lagos four or five times a year, but that does not mean you can decode that society. I have lived there for thirty-five years and seen so many wonders. Many of the same legislators who Premium Times claim are holding this woman "hostage," are themselves in place due to false certification. Process? What process? Should we talk about Magu? My brothers, leave that thing abeg!"

Not fully furnished with the details of the Magu affair, I decided to tread softly.

"So, are you saying the due process doesn't exist? I doubt the presidency will tender a name to the Legislature for approval, knowing that person had an aberration on their record."

Somehow, I had managed to further irritate Matthew.

"Stop mentioning due process! You are making me crazy with all this your Oyibo nonsense. In Nigeria? Due process? Do you realise it is possible those supposedly charged with doing the checks for the government, were probably partying and enjoying the illicit proceeds of their Aso Rock connections, instead of carrying out their duties?"

I am not quite sure what instigated his decision to join the fray, but my Guinness friend had clearly heard enough.

"You guys are jokers! Forget the presidency and the checks. Forget the senate and their possible blackmail of the Finance minister. Forget all that garbage and ask yourselves one question."

"Really? What question," I asked.

"Okay, I will tell you. You all know I have no horse in the race, abi? I am neither sympathetic to the minister nor her detractors. But has it occurred to you that Kemi Adeosun may have applied genuinely for this NYSC certificate of exemption, and the person in charge of the process may have circumvented NYSC rules for financial profit and issued her with a fake certificate?"

"Go on," replied Jolomi, the final member of the trio.

"Do you know it's possible that she is now on the phone to the uncle, auntie or whatever contact who oiled the wheels of influence at the time, demanding to know how this could have happened? Do you know that the one person who did a good job here and discovered the alleged spurious nature of the certificate, may have also only done so, after financial favour?"

All three of us hummed a chorus of agreement, as Mr Guinness continued.

"My brothers, in these end times, the people in charge of  public office in Nigeria, be they  APC, PDP, AGPA or XYZ, are not trustworthy. Even the people who are not in power cannot be trusted. Patriots are few and are shunned, rather than honoured. My advice is to leave the politicians to deal with their mess. Most of them would have known of this scandal since 2015, but kept it secret for potential political gain. Don't give yourself high-blood pressure because of a House of Cards."

A sober silence descended on the room.

Thankfully, England were 2-0 up, so the mood was not completely bleak.

By the way, that silence.....is still with me now as I type this and the last of my friends left about 3 hours ago.

With a heartfelt and deep-seated sigh, I triggered my Nigerian license and predictably, left my beloved country in God's hands.

Nigeria 2015 - Valentine's Day Blues

And so on the very day the rest of the world will be celebrating love, some bright sparks in Nigeria decided it was the perfect day for the country’s two main political tribes to go to war. Surprised? Well, not really, I guess. We are Nigerians after all and everything we do must have our stamp of uniqueness and creativity.

In any event, if the Nigerian Love Brigade is truly unhappy and the female demographic rises up, sufficiently raising the protest decibels and demanding their bouquets and chocolate, our matchlessness also means our government (maybe as an election sweetener) could actually postpone Valentine’s Day.

Don’t laugh, you know it’s possible. Stranger things have definitely happened in our beloved land.

Before we move on, let me confirm the sole intention of this piece is to get the salient points of Nigeria 2015 elections and to do it with brevity as the watchword. I am not going to attempt to compete with anyone on word-count or give a lengthy sermon to the converted. Charles Soludo has easily won the trophies in both categories.

Furthermore, the majority of the people casting their vote on that day will not have read his well-researched, but extensive thesis. For me, the issues on ground are hardly that complicated and one doesn’t need a PhD to see through the smoke and mirrors. With this in mind, best to get back to the elections and the resultant matters.

Let us start from the beginning.

For those of you who may live under a rock somewhere and for others who have not been bothered to date, the two elephants fighting over the Nigerian grass would be the People’s Democratic Party (PDP) and the All Progressives Congress (APC). Of course, there are other baby elephants involved, but why mention them, when it appears Nigerians have conveniently decided these calves do not even exist.

Who is who?

The Gladiators

On the one hand, we have Goodluck Ebele Jonathan (GEJ), the incumbent, and on the other, you have the APC candidate, General Muhammadu Buhari (GMB). Both candidates have already led the nation in one guise or the other. Buhari, for twenty months between December 1983 and August 1985, on the back of a military coup that saw the overthrow of the Shehu Shagari government and Jonathan, for the last fifty-five months having succeeded the previous president, Umaru Yar'Adua (Late).

So, with the abridged history lesson out of the way, there is only one question at the top of everyone’s list.

Who will win?

I would hate to be the one who elected (pun intended) to raise the collective blood pressure of members of either party, so I will hold my predictions for a little while longer. Instead, let’s ask another burning question on millions of Nigerian lips.

Who should we go for?

Well, I don’t know where the majority are, but for the silent minority (and yes, we are millions too) like me – who have chosen to keep quiet until now – we do not believe there is any real choice out there. All we see is a two-headed snake, with one head being marginally less venomous than the other.

We, in this group, naturally recoil on sighting snakes, so our natural position is to be cautious, alert and stay at a safe distance. You cannot blame us. We are still reeling from the Creation story, but, no one should mistake our distance for apathy. We can still see it all from our sanctuary and yes, we are riveted.

From our view over here, we find little comfort in a sitting president who appears to believe kneeling before pastors and speaking from the pulpit in crowded churches, will somehow transform him into a strident, forthright and performing leader, which is what Nigerians require, but sadly do not have. We cannot quite tell which is more painful; the leader floundering in the darkness looking for the light, or the nation stuck in the darkness, having to watch the drama unfold with their candles, lanterns and diesel cash-guzzlers.

We are equally uneasy with a presidential candidate who says things like;

“It is a legal responsibility which God has given us, within the context of one Nigeria, to continue to uphold the practice of Sharia wholeheartedly and to educate non-Muslims that they have nothing to fear…"

"What remains for Muslims in Nigeria is for them to redouble their efforts, educate Muslims on the need to promote the full implementation of Sharia law…."

This is fine if you are an Imam (or even the average Muslim minding his or her own business), but not when you are wishing to occupy the top position, overseeing a country with over 70 million non-Muslims. Also, when someone of Buhari’s record tells me there is “nothing to fear,” that is the time I begin to tremble with certain trepidation. To be blunt, we will prefer anyone who wants to rule us, to leave religion out of the electoral process and just give us solid and viable plans for good governance. It’s not a Christian/ Muslim thing….it’s a Nigeria thing.

We know Mahatma Gandhi said;

"Those who say religion has nothing to do with politics do not know what religion is." 

But still, we are confident he didn't have this modern-day Nigeria - where insensitive leaders conveniently forget our secularism - in mind. Our advice will be for anyone who wants our votes, to keep the Koran and Bible out of our faces and stop hiding behind God. We may not be as religious as you, but we at least hope God will not protect incompetents. Besides, no matter the reassurances they may have obtained from their pastor or imam, we doubt anyone can bribe their way to paradise. On the day of judgement, we are relatively certain it will just be you and your creator. So, please in the name of God, stop.

Of course, the chutzpah of these politicians is sometimes created from events that surround us all. In a country where a keenly followed “man of God” has promised to “open up the gates of Hell on the president’s foes,” why are we puzzled when the average corrupt politician, believes he or she can open up the gates of Heaven and enter with a clear conscience?

Moving on swiftly, we cannot see how the incumbent, Goodluck Jonathan, can seriously justify staying on for another four years in the face of our country turning into the laughing stock of the world, whilst his ardent supporters bombard use with sterile indices showing Nigeria’s economy growing by 7% over the next blah years.

Excuse me, but those in the know have been predicting the same statistic - along with Nigeria’s economy someday outstripping that of South Africa - way before your man came into power. Our advice will be for the president's followers to confront him on his woeful record on corruption and his penchant for surrounding himself with such poor advisers. The buck stops at your man's desk, so get him to do what leaders do...lead or get out of the way.

As for the other side, we, unlike the fervent millions pushing the Buhari ticket can’t see how his government can be incorruptible or attempt to probe anyone, when the very people who are financially springing him to power, have, shall we say “questionable” public service records. How anyone believes Buhari will be anything more than a figure-head, is still utterly befuddling to us. Do Buhari fans understand how much money will be spent to get him to the Rock? Do they know the source of those funds?

Have they even bothered to do the mathematics, before giving the General their unshaken support? The mind boggles...

These GMB enthusiasts have sole reserve of our incredulity for they have conveniently forgotten this particular job at Abuja, requires a skill-set their renowned inflexible candidate (this will not be a military setting) may not possess. We of course pray for the best, as we have to concede Buhari has evidently softened over the years, or how else would he, Tinubu and Atiku be convenient bedfellows? How else could someone like Senator Yerima (he of the child-bride fame), be on Buhari’s presidential campaign committee? We could go on, but Brevity restrains us, as we continue to hope against all hope.

We worry about our intellectuals – bar a few – who have somehow conspired to overwhelmingly get on the ABJ (Anybody But Jonathan) train, whilst not holding the GMB bus shuttle to the same bar or standards. This particular point is one we find extremely worrying, especially; when we know some of these same characters never tire of educating us on whom to vote for, with no credible, historical record of them ever getting it right. It appears sadly, it is not only the politicians capitalising on the millions of Nigerians, whose determination to ignore the issues, is only surpassed by their rigid determination to vote for Buhari. Dissemination of knowledge is definitely not the goal here.

We, against all hope, pray our electorate is aware Nigeria’s foremost issue is a Lack of Leadership, because we can see the gaping hole created by a dearth of individuals prepared to knuckle down and inspire Nigerians to believe in and contribute positively to the creation of a better land. We know the requisite structure and culture just doesn't exist, because we have refused to copy the examples of countries like Singapore and Indonesia - two countries that more or less dragged their nationals out of the Third World pile, right before our eyes – instead, we have actually started to see the our hole become a grotesque gorge of hopelessness and resigned apathy.          

We wish we could have a Vladimir Putin Jonathan or Vladimir Putin Buhari for the next four years and at least, be frank with ourselves on the type of person we have in charge. A laconic individual, who is clearly very knowledgeable about his country, has a good grasp of her foes and friends (foreign and domestic) and also possesses an iron, nationalistic will to see his country prosper and not be left behind. An undeniable patriot, who though flawed, is driven by a passionate belief in the supremacy of his country. A person who Boko Haram know gives them only two options, when they attack his people; a one-way ticket to their maker or a lifetime in hell.

Of course we realise this is a flight of fantasy, so, we grudgingly accept Buhari and Jonathan are all we realistically have for now and a choice has to be made. But yet, we wonder why a country of 160 million plus, has refused to carve out her identity, but instead has blindly followed the Democratic / Republican model, which is clearly throwing that icon of democracy into bureaucratic chaos. We can’t really understand why Nigerians have decided to totally ignore the other candidates. Yes, they genuinely may not have a chance, but at least one or two of them should be able to join the national debate.

You will be surprised the quality of the “between the lines” detail that a third or fourth candidate brings to the table. If in doubt, ask David Cameron and Gordon Brown about a certain Nick Clegg or draw some inspiration from the electoral shift, away from the traditional political parties in Europe.

Finally, we really hope Nigerians have a cunning plan and just want to exploit the fervency of the Buhari factor, to knock Jonathan from his perch and then a few years down the line; exert their electoral muscles and take out the General and his political soldiers. You never know….we Nigerians remain ingenious like that. In fact, this is the scenario we pray is playing out in front of us, as we look on and laugh.

We rest.

So, really, who will win?

Well, the same people who always win. The same group that have been winning since 1960, and have positioned things in such a way, as to ensure whichever snake-head shows up, they, have enough anti-venom to contain the situation for their own benefit. If you are wondering who these people are, well, don’t strain your cerebral Rolodex on our behalf. We will help you.

The group rarely grows past twenty in number and their clout within their setting, is determined on natural causes like death, sickness and finally, on whom they have allowed to inhabit the seat of power. They are all male, arguably the only true Nigerians – as in, they know the country inside out and unlike most of us, have cultural, political and familial connections that defy creed, religion or tribe – and are individually, sufficiently ruthless and benevolent in equal measure.

If you require more assistance in compiling the list, I will go as far as to advise you the most visible - yes, some have to be shadowy - of the collective, have acronymic monikers with three characters permanently branded on the brain of most Nigerians. What else do you expect after five decades of oppression and ensuing trauma?

Oh, we shouldn't forget America. She wins too. Any which way Nigeria goes, America just magically happens to come up trumps. Must be something in the Rivers Niger and Benue.

Final verdict of Nigeria Elections 2015 

A Valentine’s Day Massacre of the common man……tick-tock.



Credits

 1.  Cartoon courtesy of  Mike Asukwo (+234 802 3462978)
 2.  Charles Soludo article courtesy of Vanguard Newspapers

Parental Advice - Nigerian Style

Maybe it's the Nigerian in me, but when it comes to my parents, any insult, intentional or otherwise, will always be met with forceful brimstone and years of grudge-holding. And yes, my father has been dead for 13 years. Nigerians are just like that.

We may share many things with Black Americans, but it doesn't extend to the 'yo mama' thing. In fact, I know many people who still nurse injuries visited upon them decades ago for forgetting that fact.

With that introduction out of the way, you can just imagine how the Daily Mail/ Ed Miliband war of words is playing out in Nigerian homes across the UK. If you don't have a friend of Nigerian background, get one quick and enjoy our unique views on unreserved parental reverence. You can thank me later.

So, what exactly did the UK's 2nd best-selling newspaper say and why is the leader of the UK's most popular party (if you believe the pools) so irate?

In the spirit of brevity, here's the condensed version:

The Daily Mail, in the wake of Ed Miliband's speech at the Labour Party conference, published an article entitled 'The Man Who Hated Britain,' in which the paper honed in on the Marxist beliefs of Ralph Miliband, Ed's father. In that piece, they contended Miliband Snr nursed anti-British sentiments which could have influenced his son and as such ".....should disturb everyone who loves this country".

As if that wasn't enough, just for added vitriolic relish, they included a picture of Miliband Snr's grave with the caption, 'Grave Socialist'.

Clearly, the Milibands were not going to have this depiction of their late father stick. Ed managed to get a 'right to reply' which in turn was cynically neutralised by the paper's re-assertion of their story in the same edition! It became clear there was no concession from the paper and the war of words ignited into a free-for-all.

Alastair Campbell, Tony Blair's erstwhile enforcer and sworn enemy of the paper got into the ring with impressive gusto, as he took the paper's position apart and savaged the paper's deputy editor, Jon Steafel, on Newsnight. In case you live under a rock, here's the evidence.

Unsettling as that verbal execution was, one could almost say it was well deserved. Although, you couldn't help but wonder if Mr Campbell was morally positioned to do the hatchet job. His bully-boy vocals whilst accusing the paper of bully-boy tactics, wasn't exactly a golden moment.

Personally, an execution delivered by Mehdi Hassan is more my style. Low-key, incessant, witty and ultimately destructive. His BBC Question Time savaging of the Daily Mail was a class act.

But getting back to the paper's accusations. Ralph Miliband was a 17 year old who said things which underlined his conflicts at the time. He went on to serve the country and laid his life on the line. Yes, he was a confessed Marxist and yes he hoped the Britain lost the Falklands War, but I am not aware of these sentiments being crimes.

Anyone who thinks our armed forces is full of people who love everything the UK does, needs medication. Furthermore, anyone who reads the article and genuinely comes to the conclusion that Miliband Snr did indeed hate Britain....well, they need the whole medicine cabinet.

Yes, ironically, Ed Miliband would want a 17 year old to get the vote, so I guess there will be those like myself asking why we should then disregard the views of someone that age. But at the same time, I am prepared to wager there are civilians and members of the armed forces (of all ages) who have said worse things. And I am doubly sure they still continue to root and fight for this country.

Civilians and Soldiers alike are not robots, consequently, they sometimes feel frustrated, but it doesn't diminish their patriotism.

Interestingly, as the row went into overdrive, The Telegraph newspaper, in a subtle rebuke to their 'noisy cousin' reprinted their 1994 obituary of Professor Ralph Miliband, in which they described him as a balanced socialist, leading many on social media to praise the right-wing paper, whilst continuing to pummel the Daily Mail.

The Telegraph's move was delivered with so much class, it reminded me of how the Tories deliver the same messages UKIP struggle to impart into the national psyche and in the process, manage to steal some borderline supporters.

In any case, in the preparation for this post, I suddenly felt an overwhelming urge to eat some Nigerian food. Perhaps my writing about Nigeria had made me nostalgic and only a meal of pounded yam and egusi stew could douse the flames. I contemplated on the best venue.

Whilst deliberating, I received a call from my Sarah, my English friend who loved all things politics and even more so, foreign food. She had pestered me earlier in the year about wanting to try Nigerian cuisine. I decided to invite her to the 805 restaurant in London. It was going to be the blogger's holy grail: food, chat and booze.

Once at the venue, I quickly brought her up to speed on my project and how I came to the restaurant for inspiration. As we chin-wagged and waited for our food, a long-lost older friend walked towards (without invitation) our table.

I quickly warned my friend this could be my opportunity to get that unique aforementioned Nigerian view. She swore herself to complete silence. Secretly, I was elated the older friend clearly wasn't capable of same.

He had gleamed my folded newspaper and went into full throttle.

"Can you imagine the disrespect? The man is dead and not here to defend himself."

"Margaret Thatcher is not here, but she got torn to shreds by some Labour people and Ed Miliband did not exactly slam them," I replied feebly.

"Is Thatcher the mother of the Daily Mail?"

"In a way, yes you can say that. She was someone they will claim they hold as dear as the Milibands' hold their father."

"What? Do you think you are white? Sometimes I think you have lived in this country too long! How can you say something that silly?"

I reassuringly nudged my friend under the table and prayed there would no further mention of race. Still, I had to continue with the conversation.

"This is what some Tories are saying. I'm just repeating...."

"Would the Tories have been happy if a newspaper came after Cameron's father? Please don't say anymore. I need to get a bottle of Guinness to erase the memory of your last statement."

I sighed heavily as I ordered his drink. It was my weak attempt at placation. Although, as he gulped down the contents of his glass, it became obvious it hadn't worked.

"What were the parents of the newspaper people doing when Ralph Miliband went to war for this country?"

"They were probably at war too, although I heard the editor's father, Peter Dacre, may have not gone as he was a journalist in London."

"A journalist? Jesus Christ of Nazareth! So he is questioning what someone else's father did, but his father avoided fighting for the country. You see where we are going wrong in this country?"

"But the editor is not contesting for the country's most powerful job?"

"Really? But he already has a very powerful job. Mark my words, I have lived in this country for a long time and it is my prediction the Daily Mail will apologise. Imagine this was back home, the editor will be in serious pain by now."

At that point, just to ensure my friend wasn't confused and had heard him correctly, I decided to drill further.

"You mean if I wrote same article about your father, you will come and hurt me?"

His answer came in form of a glaring stare. His erstwhile joviality was now a distant thing.

I could feel the sweat trickling down in my hidden places. Worse still, I could see my friend's increasing discomfort. I couldn't say for sure if it was the spice in the egusi stew or the intimidating stare. Either way, she had gone completely red in the face.

Either way, it was a relief when he lowered his stare and finished the contents of his drink.

"Thanks for the Guinness," he said menacingly as he left the table.

(This article is dedicated to the memory of my dear friend, Deji Falae, who lost his life in the October 3 Lagos air crash. May his gentle, witty soul rest in peace.)

Flying Foreign Colours - A Nigerian Casestudy.

An English friend once told me of his ‘out of body’ experience drinking Nigerian Guinness and watching a live Premiership game in his Lagos hotel. 

He appeared perpetually bemused as he recounted his experiences whilst we ironically shared some bottles of the black stuff (made in Oba Akran, of course!!) at a Nigerian restaurant in London whilst we watched…..you’ve guessed it……another live Premiership game. 

He had been to Nigeria three times in one year and quite naturally, it had altered his world view and coloured his thought process. 

“I just couldn’t believe how fervent the support for the English clubs was,” he screeched. 

“That is Nigerians for you, we don’t do things by half,” I replied with a shrug and a knowing smile.

“You can say that again. Even the support for sports at the younger levels is phenomenal. Under 17 and 21 football is hardly viewed in the UK, but in Lagos, it was as if I was watching the World cup. Simply unbelievable! Why do you think this is the case?”

I sipped my fresh pint, giving myself a cream moustache in the process. In truth I was buying time before replying to a question, for which I genuinely had no profound answer. Saying we are a passionate and sports-loving people, will obviously make sense, but in this politically correct age, it could also be deemed a subtle insult to my English host. 

I rested my pint on the table and cleaned off my now disintegrating moustache – this took another precious fifteen to twenty seconds. My host was at his English best, quietly restrained and patiently waiting for my answer. It was time to say something. 

“I think it is linked to our ability to find something we like; immerse ourselves in it and hold on without restraint,” I answered feebly, as I took another gulp of my drink.

My friend picked up his glass as I lowered mine, all the time wearing an unfulfilled face. He clearly had other ideas.

“Maybe you are right, afterall you are Nigerian and I am not, evidently. But I truly believe it extends further than the reasons you just articulated. I think it’s a spiritual thing and I am convinced people who have a high degree of belief in God, have a corresponding fervency in their chosen sports. Do you remember the worldwide Religious Belief poll conducted a few years ago? I am not sure now if it was the BBC or TIME magazine, but in any case; I think it was Nigeria and Poland that led the way. Have you ever seen a football game in Poland?  It’s an experience let me tell you.”

I was about to reply, when I noticed the closest table to us had a group of Arsenal fans, all donning their red and whites. They had somehow run out of things to say and had come to the decision that our conversation was worth joining. The chubby one with a goalkeeper’s frame was the first to speak.

“Igwe, e be like say your oyibo boy get point. Nobody fit worship reach Naija. Even some of my oyibo colleagues at work no dey believe the passion we bring to the table.”

An equally huge, but fitter member of the group was not so willing to jump on the bandwagon.

“What has God got to do with football? I think the answer is much simpler; Nigerians like to outdo each other. So once we like something, it is our moral duty to prove we are better at doing that thing than the next man. Shikena! It is not complicated at all.”

My friend moved to reply, but I was quick enough to nudge him into silence. He resorted to raising his hand to generously order drinks for both tables. The discussion was now gathering momentum and we had consensually joined both tables, physically and otherwise. I had a quick glance around and realised we were now the focal point of the room. 

I looked across at my friend and all I saw was a confidently relaxed person, who displayed none of those ruffles foreigners manifest, when discussions amongst Nigerians go from Heated to Ogbona Feli Feli! He was clearly in his element; he had started a discussion which contained all the juicy bits of life…..God, religion, sports, colonialism (apparently, the EPL is another instrument of English cultural domination), colonial mentality (someone from another table accused us of loving English things more than our own).

One of the Arsenal fans actually thought it had more to do with the fact Nigerians more than any other people; appreciated hard work, talent and the resulting beautiful expression when both things come together. 

Nigerian Billboard announcing the imminent arrival of the Arsenal team.

An hour later and nearly everyone including the restaurant owner had joined in (to the annoyance of her boyfriend who sat stone-faced in the corner), but it seemed we were still far away from agreement. Seconds turned into minutes and then into another hour before we decided to courteously announce our departure. 

Somehow, the initial stirring had now turned into a full sandstorm, which had degenerated into pockets of verbal combatants who had now decided the consensus of table arrangement was a thing of the past. The majority of those pockets were now arguing about who were the most passionate Premiership fans in London and judging by the animated state of the restaurant owner, this was not going end any time soon.

“Once my friends leave, can you roll down those shutters,” she shouted to one of her staff.

My friend and I exchanged the customary farewell handshakes. He succeeded in amusing everyone with his ability to click fingers with ease. The young guy, the one charged with closing the shutters, followed us out and waved goodbye with a few words.  

“That’s how it is here every weekend! Drogba this, Osaze that. The players don’t even care about these people and they will never receive cheques for their support. Na wa o!”

A few minutes on the roadside and our taxi pulled up. The driver, a seemingly meek man (who just so happened to be Nigerian) had only been driving for a minute when he suddenly exploded.

“I am sorry sirs, but my blood is still boiling. Can you believe this Arsene Wenger man? We are talking about winning trophies, he is talking about development! How can you develop when you never win any cups? How can you progress when we don't buy players? Premiership, zero! FA Cup, zero! European cup, nothing! Carling Cup sef e no fit win. Abeggi, please return to France and let Klopp come and do the job!”

My friend and I exchanged glances, both nodding at the driver. 

We had to…...we didn’t need an agitated person at the wheel. Besides, he had turned his neck almost 360 degrees to start the conversation with us. 

Swift agreement was the fastest way to avoid a death ride.

The League of 3000 Slaps

“It is tempting, if the only tool you have is a hammer, to treat everything as if it were a nail.”

- Abraham Maslow I have never been a fan of Theresa May. I think it’s only fair this piece begins with that sentiment out in the open.

From my modest position, she has always struck me as being more style (well…) over substance. An individual so talentless and flawed, that it is only possible for such a person to rise to high office, when the pool of choice is filled with equally weak compadres.

Let’s be frank, can you imagine someone of Theresa’s limited capabilities in Margaret Thatcher’s cabinet?

Remember her shambolic speech at the Tory conference in 2011, when in her haste to mock the Human Rights Act and impress her fellow Blues in one fell swoop, she failed to check her facts and basically informed the conference that an illegal immigrant had not being deported because of his pet cat! As it turned out, this fable had been doing the rounds for months and had been debunked several times over.

But our Home Secretary and her band of merry civil servants had not bothered to check the facts with the Home Office. The instant gratification she longed for was clearly more important than the truth.

Moving on in her litany of errors, Theresa left us sufficiently puzzled with her next trick. You remember the one…..where she, without the knowledge of Parliament, decided to relax UK borders and in doing so had completely run headlong into the Border Agency’s hierarchy.

Miraculously, she came out of the ensuing massacre, position intact, although the likes of Brodie Clark weren’t so lucky. But then as we all know, Theresa’s Prime Minister adjudged she was still doing a good job and kept her on. One wouldn’t want to offend the right-wing of the party, would one?

Saying that, I am convinced David Cameron paid for that folly, with copious amounts of wincing when his Home Secretary predictably struggled before the Home Affairs Committee. In an hour-long duel, Theresa fluffed her lines, looked completely rattled and unprepared. It was clear she shouldn’t be in charge of anyone; talk less of one of the most important governmental departments.

In a particularly embarrassing session, our dear Home Secretary under intense scrutiny had no choice but to admit her ignorance as to which airports had implemented her newly relaxed regime. To spare her blushes, one of her embarrassed aides had to pass her a piece of paper with the correct information. You could almost hear the collective gasp of her fellow MPs.

Then there was her completely impotent reaction to the London riots. In absence of the Prime Minister, the next person to look up to in those types of domestic scenarios is the Home Secretary and boy, did she look limp and ineffective! And to think this is an individual who has desires on Number 10. I suppose if one’s skin has been undeservedly saved many times, one ultimately begins to develop delusions of grandeur.

I could go on, but what purpose will it serve to inform you that we currently have an inept Home Secretary, when it is undeniably clear to most? In these times of global and domestic insecurity, when the country appears to have home-grown enemies even keener than our external foes, it is a thing of amazement and quite frankly, sadness, that this person holds such a position.

Clearly the gods are ready to kill off this coalition….why else will they first make them mad?
Why else would the May lady decide her latest venture would be to come up with a £3,000 visa bond scheme that singles out Nigeria, Ghana, Pakistan, India, Bangladesh and Sri Lanka?

Apparently, this latest proposal of hers is to deter visiting overstayers and tourists who illegally recourse to public services, like the NHS. As one would expect, this hasn’t gone down well with everyone, although there are supporters of the scheme who are urging her to even raise the value of the bond.

Oh well, as someone of Nigerian descent myself, there are many things I could write in this article at this point, but I must rise above the utter stupidity of this latest debacle. It appears our madam still sees the UK with severely tainted spectacles. In the relentless pursuit of some UKIP votes, she has forgotten the people who do the donkey-work for everyone else.

Go around any major city and tell me who are the cleaners, the public transport workers, the people who run and man the corner shops. Those jobs are the real backbone of this economy and anyone who tells you different is deluded. My naive expectation was the relevant communities would be treated with a smidgen of respect.

I realise Theresa wants to be Tory leader one day and as such has to lay down her ambitious marker, so we do get the message loud and clear. People like me are obviously the problem in this country and once these issues have been resolved with the £3000 bond, the country will be alright on the night! That of course is the curse of the one-dimensional political character that populates our government today….they have the same answer to all problems…..it’s always the darkie’s fault!

Just for the sake of clarity, can we just agree that overstayers and exploiters of this country’s welfare structure, come from all over the world and furthermore, they come in all shades and colours. We have Aussies, South Africans (during and after apartheid), Russians, Eastern Europeans and many more.

I thought we should point that out because it appears the only immigration offenders that our leaders are concerned about; seem to be the ones who don’t look like them. My guess is they just thought why offend everyone when we can just pick on the soft-touch nations?  It is not only highly offensive, insensitive and infuriating, it is downright revolting!

What is required is stronger immigration controls, a more effectively run Border Agency and tougher checks to ensure visitors do not take recourse to public funds. What we have been given is a proposal stewed from the laziest form of ministerial work and it all stinks of electoral desperation.

But then, why should anyone be surprised….after all it has Theresa May’s paws all over it.

The Merciless Kim!!!

Okay, I realise it's an open secret that I can't get enough of Kim Jong Un. A quick browse of my posts will soon reveal my love for the guy, just for the sheer amount of material he provides and boy, he is currently the gift that keeps giving at the moment or what?!

His latest gem was the 'merciless beating' he has promised to deliver to the US. The whole thing took me back to growing up in Nigeria, where the phrase 'beating you up mercilessly,' is often the menacing threat received on the playground when one supposedly stepped out of line.

The beauty in the threat of course, lays in the fact that the person who utters it, does so in the spirit of ultimate sabre-rattling, not necessarily because they possess the physicality or even guile to deliver a good old beat-down. I could even go as far as saying most individuals who promise a merciless beating, probably are not equipped to deliver one.....

I actually have a childhood friend who unfortunately got stuck with the nickname 'Merciless,' primarily because he was at the end of the beating he had so vehemently promised his tormentor. Almost 40 years later and even his missus calls him M! It's always a favourite, funny topic at any of our soirees.

Talking of funny, I defy anyone to watch those North Korean broadcasters announcing the state's latest tirade, without bursting out laughing. The volume and barking nature of their voices is currently my favourite guilty pleasure. And let's be honest, there is no sight funnier than Little Kim and his all-black, ill-fitting overcoat, ably assisted with his nicely balanced chunky cheeks!

What is not funny though is this latest bout of threats and counter-threats....and to my mind, they is no doubt that a few lives will unfortunately be lost and if history is anything to go by, the dust will settle. In any case, most us really know this is really about China than anything else....it is definitely Xi Jinping's first real dilemma. Or is it?

Isn't the whole thing actually to China's advantage in a way? She can call off her attack dog off whenever she wants, but whilst the belligerent growling in Pyongyang goes on, the smaller states in the area begin to detach from the US and look towards China for protection. Very clever...no? The Chinese have always been masters of diplomatic strategy. Read the The Art of War and you will see what I mean.

Irrespective of the outcome, eventually the Pyongyang regime will get the attention and a smidgen of the respect it craves and then, it will on to the next one!

There's still unsettled business in Iran...

The Slow and Painful Death of Nigerian Etiquette

The brutal sunshine baked me incessantly, as it turned my ice-cold bottle of water, tepid. I spat out the contents of my mouth in disgust and in that single moment, broke my cardinal rule of etiquette. I hissed as I continued to pound the dusty path to Iya Amala’s buka, wondering why a short walk I had assumed would take five minutes max, was now turning to twenty plus. I could hear the driver’s words echoing all around me.

“Sir, this traffic would soon clear. This is usually a free road; you don’t have to walk at all!”

Clearly, he was right and I wasn't, but as I glimpsed the gate to the Police College complex, none of that really mattered. Ironically, a fresh, dry breeze belatedly came over me confirming we were actually in the middle of the harmattan season....it was like a late stitch that couldn't save nine and so typical of most things Nigerian. In any case, I finally found myself in front of the culinary Holy Grail, exhaling heavily with relief and wiping the sweat and dust off my face. 

There goes my first handkerchief of the day....

The buka was encouragingly more comfortable than most (not that the ambience would ever deter me from indulging anyway) and there appeared to be a system in place. Get your silver metal bowl and head to the queue for the lady doling out the amala, once done, you walk back to the end of the queue for the stew and all manner of animal by-products. This queue was served by Iya Amala herself. How did I know that? Well, let’s just say she was larger than life.

So, why am I telling you about my trip to a buka, as if it were a rare thing in Nigeria? Well, I am going to blame that on the subsequent events.

Bowl in hand, I joined the amala queue, keeping one eye on a group appetising snails that cuddled each other affectionately in the boiling pot of fragrant stew. I was number 3 in line and I was now starting to dab my mouth with my second handkerchief, as salivation began to overtake me.  Coming face to face with the amala lady, I stretched my bowl forward and something strange happened.....there a loud clang which to me sounded like a coming together of bowls. I shook myself to reality and saw the guy behind had somehow exhausted his patience and was now determined to not wait his turn. I know it’s only food, but I was furious!

“Are you blind?!” I screamed. The deadly combination of hunger and anger had taken over me.

He seemed shaken and unsure of how to answer. In the same vein, the equally ignorant amala lady was prepared to also ignore the queue and just serve whichever bowl made its way to her. I let fly!

“Do you people think I am here to sell groundnut? Why can’t you wait your turn? And you, why are serving people who are jumping the queue?!”

I had ranted and raved for about thirty seconds before I realised no one else felt my revulsion or sense of injustice. If anything, they wanted me to fall aside and allow their organised chaos to continue. Seeing my protests were increasingly impotent, I collected my amala and with the look of a frazzled bear and proceeded to the stew queue.

As I began to calm down, I started to accept this was not an aberration or an exception to the rules. It appeared Nigeria, like in every facet of its social life, had slid horribly into etiquette anarchy.

From our roads to our sidewalks to our banks and other service outlets, it appears we have somehow connived to fade who we are and turn our country into an uncivil society of mannerless individuals, who blame a lack of civility on the fact they have little to time to observe simple rules of social order. We are not the only country going through economic hardship or social chaos, and it should be noted that some of the world's most civil people are not actually blessed with abundant resources.

Had the amala incident been an isolated incident, perhaps I would never have deemed it necessary to share, but a particularly nasty episode a few years ago still rankles with me.

So, there I was finishing off a meeting with some reasonably well-heeled potential clients in a popular hotel in Victoria Island. Being mostly non-Nigerian, but West African, these were people, who had a genuine healthy inquisitiveness in the ‘giant of Africa,’ so you can imagine my deep disappointment when on attempting to exit the hotel, we found ourselves in a ‘confrontation at High Noon’ scenario.

The band of brothers facing us down was all suited and booted genteel-looking individuals. As one would expect, we had allowed the female members of our company to gain access to the exit, whilst we stood aside. Unfortunately though, the ‘big-boys’ saw things differently, as they refused to give ground to the ladies. It was even more shocking for me when I was later informed they were bankers from a neighbouring bank and regular clients of the hotel.

The hotel manager summed it up succinctly.

“I am aware that their behaviour was unacceptable, but they spend a lot of money here and you guys will be gone in a week. Personally, I think they are pigs, but unfortunately, their money is more important than their manners.”

A few weeks later and many more unpleasant occurrences of ill-mannered people to deal with, I reluctantly accepted the slide was here to stay. Even worse still, we were now at a far more advanced stage, where people were now so used to the situation, they justified it with aplomb. Oh well, maybe it’s an issue that only worries those of us with a sensitive nature and as such bore no significance to the majority who had clearly honed a more robust constitution in response to the civil descent. As my friend would repeatedly say to me with that special patronising brand of disdain;

“That is in the UK, here in Nigeria, things are totally different and this is how we do it here!”

My initial protestations explaining my opinions had not been formed from living abroad (I lived in Nigeria from age 5 to 22!), but a consequence of comparing notes from then with the realities of today, appeared to fall on deaf ears. Furthermore, I was never contending that the UK itself was not a paragon of protocol (public displays of drunkenness and foul habits like spitting have increasingly become the norm over the last 20 years).

I just happen to believe this was a malaise we Nigerians did not need in addition to our other overwhelming issues. Incredibly, my friend moved the conversation on to talking about Whizkid’s latest single. I took it as my cue to accept agreement on this contentious issue, was not a viable option on this particular occasion.

Funny enough, a few days after, on a London-bound Virgin Atlantic flight, an air hostess was doing her best to attend to a new mum who was clearly struggling with securing her baby in the provided harness. The hostess to the delight of most in the cabin was exceedingly helpful and patient. That was except for a deranged man who decided it was also the perfect moment for the hostess to help him with his online media equipment. The air hostess to her credit, attended to him.

“Sir, I will be with you once I have finished with this lady. You can see I am trying to assist someone here. Thank you!”

To most of us who still believe in good manners, we know that ‘thank you’ is actually the point when we realise our faux pas and consequently retreat. Not this guy. He proceeded to poke the poor hostess and inevitably left himself open to tirades from fellow passengers, who I must confirm were 99.9% Nigerian. My friend who had torn me apart a few weeks ago was one of that number and her criticism of the errant man was....let’s just say vociferous.

I smiled in satisfaction. I always knew it. Bad manners might pervade our society, but Nigerians are not inherently discourteous or accepting of insolence. Like corruption, it is just another albatross that hangs from around our proverbial neck....suffocating our national psyche, but one that will be shed some day.

All that is requisite of us is to say to each other; "Nigerians, we have a problem." It’s the first rule in solving any ill.

Something did intrigue me though from the incident on the plane, but I manged to hold the nagging thought until we landed. I turned round to my friend and asked why she was so hard on the rude guy, but had slammed me for criticising similar behaviour in Lagos.

“That was in Nigeria! Once the plane is in the air, you have to comport yourself and adjust accordingly. The guy was disgracing Nigeria and we can’t have that!”

The one abiding memory from that whole event, was the straight face she had on when she delivered her response. I waited in vain for her to crack up in laughter.....but she was dead serious.

The Art of giving away your Wedge.

At last, it appears that RIM has gathered the necessary courage to release their new phone, the Z10. I especially like their motto for this new addition; "built to keep you moving."

Because if there is anything Research In Motion needs to do at this very moment, it is to keep moving. Apple and Samsung are albatrosses around its neck, and any misstep will mean goodnight sweet berry. 63 million handsets sold by Samsung to RIM's 12 million, shows the ever-increasing disparity.

If I were RIM's CEO, Thorsten Heins, the very first thing I will do is don my charity hat and lower prices for this handset in Africa and Asia. Those two continents are the most pragmatic when it comes to saving money and have more or less carried RIM on their shoulders for the last two years. They deserve some payback just for that.

Granted, they have done so because of the BBM feature (which is now the official gossip medium in Nigeria and China), but who cares why people buy the phones, as long as you can rub Apple and Samsung noses in it? I must say the news of Alicia Keys being made your 'Global Creative Director,' was a neat move, but lets concentrate on basic numbers for now. If you need any assistance with the local knowledge in Nigeria, may I suggest you call the chaps at Guinness.

A word is enough for the wise, Herr Heins!

Talking about wise charitable moves, just when you thought Africa would remain the continent that struggled to produce charitable individuals like Paul Newman, Bill Gates and Warren Buffet, a bright piece of news has shone through from the Cape. Patrice Motsepe, South Africa's richest man has decided to give half his fortune to the needy.

Inspired by the efforts of 70 other billionaires worldwide, Motsepe has started his own foundation and also decided to join forces with the likes of Buffet and Gates in their The Giving Pledge campaign started in 2010.

As a Nigerian, obviously our competitive nature means I am pissed off we did not get there first, but lets be honest, 50% is a lot! It will probably mean one will lose one's status as Nigeria's richest individual and that is not something we like to do. Also, once your rivals know you are half the man or woman you used to be, they could move and crush you.

So, Aliko Dangote, even though we all know you really want to join these billionaires and give away half of your dough, perhaps it's better to hold on until you become President. Of course, you could always say you will give the money away and then renege on the promise.....we are so used to the ruling elite not delivering on their promises in Nigeria, so you can be rest assured we will not bat an eyelid.

Saying that, don't be caught sleeping sir. You know how the ethnic issue is in Naija.....don't let the likes of Folorunsho Alakija and Jim Ovia sneak in and join The Giving Pledge before you! We are the masters at thunder-stealing and you need to be watchful at all times.

One country that definitely needs to be watchful when it comes to their Wonga, is Zimbabwe. Apparently, as of last week, the governments coffers only had $217 (£138)! Damn, it turns out Old Man Mugabe does not trust anyone with the country's funds, so he transferred it all into his. He has since given the Central Bank £30M, so the country can keep afloat....talk about keeping your eye on the purse strings and being charitable at the same time.

I wish we had this type of benevolent embezzlement all over Africa, although I doubt it will ever spread to Nigeria. I know charity is meant to begin at home, but walahi, once that money walks out of the nation's coffers, you will grow grey waiting for its return!

The Season of the long Blue-black knives.

So, some Tories are out to get David Cameron and replace the Prime Minister with, wait for it....Windsor MP, Adam Afriyie.

And? I hear you ask. Maybe, I should spell the name for clarity; A-F-R-I-Y-I-E. No? Nothing? Oh well, since you are going to be a spoilsport, I better let you in on the secret....he is black!!!

Try not to choke on your cornflakes, this is 2013 Britain....our heroes come in a variant of colours ;-)

Actually, he is 'post-racial not black' (his own words). Son of a Ghanaian father and a British mother, Adam is probably one of those mixed-race people like Tiger Woods, who detest people referring to them as black.

To be fair, I suppose it's only fair that the 50-50 blood is acknowledged. We wouldn't call mixed-race people white, so why call them black, right?

Actually, it's a free world and I don't really care what Mr Afriyie calls himself, as long as he does not try to introduce us to another word like 'Caubliasian' (this was Tiger's gift to us during one of his Oprah confessionals!). To the uninitiated, that stands for Caucasian, Black and Asian...Lol!

Poor Tiger...yes, we know you are very good at putting your balls in a hole (well, several ugly holes), but you are such a muppet off the course!!!

Anyhoo, back to the matter at hand, some Conservative backbenchers (that's another word for bitter people who have no influence within their ruling party), have got together and decided to truncate Cameron's time at the top. Apparently, Mr Afriyie is the Tory Obama and he will be a lifesaver for their dwindling political fortunes.

Talking of fortunes, it turns out AA is a self-made man with £100 Million dangling in his back pocket! Damn shon...that's some dough and considering our current cabinet is 80% millionaires, he will definitely fit in.

Wow...young, rich and black (sorry, post-racial). The combination is so intoxicating and you can just imagine the likes of Tinnie Tempah, Dizzee and Labyrinth, coming onboard and making the Tories cool again....not. Aaaah, by the way, for those of you wondering what the man of the moment looks like (you know you are), here's a pic of him and his missus.

Adam Afriyie and the missus

He looks every bit the Tory....doesn't he? Even down to the blue suit! His wife is cute too....although, she is worryingly in red....Labour alert!

Well, I wish you luck Sir with your leadership plot. Much as I would like to see you become the British Obama, I would rather place my chips on Chuka Umunna, Labour MP for Streatham.

Nothing personal, I just want Nigeria to pip Ghana to the Downing Street finishing line...major bragging rights bro...major!

The Power of the Inevitable....

The Former Minister of the Nigerian Federal Capital Territory, Nasir El-rufai, in his recent speech titled “Nigeria: Political Dynamics and Prospects for Reform,” given at the Center for Strategic and International Studies (CSIS) in Washington, D.C, gave the usual lengthy stone-throwing at the Yar'Adua government and expressed his doubts, at any prospect of the current regime implementing any tangible progress.

In truth it was a good speech and to be fair, it included some suggestions for change, rather than the customary negative appraisals which inform us of the problems, but seem to be bereft of any information related to solutions. Of course, in speeches like El-Rufai's, there will be the odd nonsense thrown in for good measure and he did not disappoint, as he ended the speech with comments concerning recent plans for President Obama to visit Ghana and not Nigeria. Apparently, like most political observers, he believed the President has done this because of the quality of governance in Ghana, which is clearly lacking in Nigeria.

Well, I doubt if you will find a bigger Obama fan in the blogging world than myself (I spent 8 months pretending to be the great man - www.obamadrama.blogspot.com), but I hope he truly did not snub Nigeria due to the governance issue, as his recent choice of destinations does not seem to be in line with his purported 'preference' for the Gold Coast. Yes, Nigeria is suffering from ill-governance and endemic corruption, but I do not believe the regimes in Saudi Arabia and Egypt (yes, I know the Middle East crisis dictated his itinerary!), hold any 'paragon of governance' status when compared to the Nigerian nation.

Unspeakable things are being done by both countries' governmments to maintain the fragile stability they display to the world and if Obama has truly decided not to visit Nigeria due to her dodgy government, then I am afraid he is obviously applying the most sophisticated form of double standards! Saying that, we do not have proof that this is the case, but we are ready with our reactions if it is ever confirmed.

We know Nigeria is an incredibly challenged country, with a seemimgly self-destructive character, but I am certain a man of Obama's intelligence is aware that his appearance in the country, rather than the opposite, is the propellant needed by the masses to demand change and for the goverment to initiate a turn in it's direction. Forget vsits from the Dai Lama and the Pope, this is the world's most powerful man, who just happens to look and walk like us and most importanly, one who achieved what most thought was impossible (no different from the current Nigerian mindset). In the end, we are talking of the world's most populous BLACK country! It is not a maybe for him, it is just a matter of when.

Mr President, we are expecting you.......don't let us down.

The God Business (Part 5)

As torrents of economic drought and anorexia lash the pockets and stomachs of the average man from New York to Siberia, many have said the situation was signed, sealed and delivered by the greedy fat cats and 'get rich quick' brigade. I recall a conversation with some rather agitated acquaintances last week, where someone actually called the current situation; a battle between evil and good. A scenario that has now arisen (according to the same person) due to the nonchalant nature of those who represent the so-called 'good'.

Apparently, lawyers and bankers were wrongly seen as the 'new' priests and holy men, and 'making a buck' attained the same gravitas as having a decent and upstanding character. The speaker went on to condemn the ubiquitous 'rich lists' developed by the likes of Forbes and The Times, which have now, accordingly to him, become the commandments that Mankind has decided to live and die by(?!!) It was a poignant night which meant the conversation never recovered from the gloomy, downward trend introduced by Mr Good vs Evil, although his passion for the topic was infectious to say the least. I only began to appreciate the remarkable slant of the gathering, when those involved set off a full-fledged navigation of the complete morals and ethics landscape, before ending in that dreaded one-way conundrum; doubting the existence of God!

Don't open your mouth so wide. The amount of people who are beginning to join the atheist army is alarming and yes, there are fully registered Nigerian conscripts within. The theory is simple......how can there be a God, who will stand aside and watch so many desperately suffering and disadvantaged? If he really exists, is he really in control? If he is in control, what exactly is being controlled? The Good or the Evil? Blah, blah, blah....

Well, as you can imagine, it wasn't exactly a mild chat and I contributed my two pence, by stating quite clearly and loudly that I felt our current dilenma was endemic of the 'end times,' which is clearly predicted in the only holy book where I can lay claim to some affliation......you never know, there might have been an angel passing by!