The Book of Revelations according to Kim Jong-Un

"Better the rule of One, whom all obey, than to let clamorous demagogues betray our freedom with the kiss of anarchy."

- Oscar Wilde

Anyone who happens to pop by my blog every now and then can attest to my 'obsession' with Kim Jong-Un.

Every opportunity I get to lampoon the young leader is seized so tightly and I never let go until satisfied a thorough comical surgery has been performed. So, why do I write about him so much? Well, it's quite simple - he, like all the attention-seeking dictators before him, intrigues me.

And judging by the worldwide media's obsession with a picture of Kim's smartphone a few days ago, it appears I am not the only one. Let's face it....the guy is the only show in town.

With the untimely demise of the Saddams and Gaddafis of this world, we might not realise it, but we desperately need someone to entertain the macabre side of our collective psyche. The vacumn has to be filled, and Kim is perfectly poised to now wear the crown of the world's most Unstable Leader and ride the proverbial tiger for a pretty long time, until the 'big boys' decide his time is up.

So, fast forward to the early hours of this morning and Kim has raised the ante once more, conducting an underground nuclear test and creating the type of worldwide panic that tickles his ample ego. There is just something about his expression that makes you believe he spends most of his days, pounding the corridors of his palace sulking, because his army advisers wouldn't let him press the red button! His philosophy seems to be akin to the Gerard Bulter character in the film, 'Law Abiding Citizen,' when he said;

"I'm gonna pull the whole thing down. I'm gonna bring the whole f*****g diseased, corrupt temple down on your head. It's gonna be biblical!"

China, as North Korea's school father and mother rolled into one, are desperate not to see any 'end of the world' scenarios play and as such have gone into diplomatic top gear. They assumed their providence of 90% of North Korean energy and food supplies, would keep the 'Chubster' in his cage, but they conveniently forgot Kim 'Oliver Twist' Jung-Un is the little boy who always wants more.

Anyone who cannot allow an 85 year old man enjoyed his retirement moment in the limelight, cannot be trusted.

Ai No Korea....

Saw a really funny comic the other day run the gauntlet of the Apollo Live audiences in Harlem. Chubby, bespectacled and generally very funny looking, he went on to advise everyone to always 'stay in their zone.' His reason for saying this? Well, apparently he had made the mistake of donning his friend's full-length fur coat for a night out....all was well until he claimed someone mistook him for a brown bear and shot him with a tranquilizer!

Extremely funny, but there was a morale to the tale....when fully aware of your shortcomings, don't put yourself in compromising situations!

For instance, can anyone please explain to me what the BBC were thinking when they aired a kids programme (or any other programme for that matter) with a Jimmy Saville spoof onboard? I mean, how many more chances do they want to get their act straight?! You almost feel like there is a hard-core 'Jim will fix it' appreciation cult within the corporation, with the members hellbent on perpetuating the legacy of their depraved icon, even if it means the worldwide broadcaster gets razed to the ground in the process. *Deep Sigh*

Leaving that decrepit organisation behind, let's take a quick trip to Davos, where the yearly jamboree of world leaders, movers and shakers takes place. Granted, a lot of worthy and well-meaning individuals turn up to fight the good guy's corner, but it is very difficult to swallow the wanton waste of money this must be for countries like Nigeria, where our resident problems definitely do not sit comfortably with such excess. As if that was not bad enough, we have President Goodluck Jonathan grant CNN's Christine Amanpour (no less) an interview where he basically became a fiction writer!!! Not cool at all Sir....you should have known we would all be watching and listening. You should have definitely stayed in your zone!

Lastly, let's talk about one of my heroes...a man who doesn't give a flying fudge about zones. He just wants to blow sh*t up! What piece on the current ways of the world would be complete without the mention of the cuddly dictator Kim Jong-un. What a crazy week it has been for the Nuclear one. Still steaming from the accusation he had undergone plastic surgery to look more like his grandfather Kim II Sung, the poor little rich boy now has to deal with UN sanctions! All this after Pyongyang had been generous enough to grant an American, honorary North Korean citizenship (where is the gratitude?). On top of all that, the South Koreans had the gall to conquer the pop world with Psy!

Of course now, the Great Leader has no choice but to threaten nuclear war on all and sundry. Oh, by the way, for those who are not of political leanings, a word of advice. Wherever you hear North Korea threatening the US, please replace those two letters with South Korea. It's a code that only a few of us understand, but one that every single South Korean is totally aware of.

Little Kim is not only prepared to leave his zone, the cute-looking, teddy bear of a man is bloody looking forward to it! Some crazy guys at NMA TV put together a video which you have to see:

Could the last person left in South Korea please turn off the light....

My 5 Predictions for 2013

I don't know about you, but 2012 was a difficult year on this side of the fence. So, in the spirit of looking forward, I have decided to leave 2012 behind and cleave onto a new chapter. 

Everything must be brand new! Brand new attitude…. brand new swag… brand new dreams and brand new vision for the new year.

Talking of visions, I would love to tease and pretend I have some psychic powers that have given me a special insight (or should that be foresight?) into the future. The truth is, I don't even know what going to happen in the next 5 minutes. In any case, in the spirit of being laid-back armed with a somewhat frivolous artistic licence, these are the events I see shaping 2013:

1. A new Nigerian terror organisation will rise. Koko Bambam will concentrate on kidnapping and extortion. With members in almost every country on earth, KB will be the first outfit to take advantage of the cumulative dissatisfaction within the Nigerian Diaspora. Before the end of 2013, in their most audacious plot, they will kidnap the Nigerian President. Incredibly, to their chagrin, no one will want him back.
2. In a move that rattles the free world, North Korean leader Kim Jong-un, will become an international pop star with over 2 billion You Tube hits for his first single; Kim Rule the World. Heavily sampling Beyoncé’s Run the World (Girls) and blatantly giving her no credit on the CD, Kim’s video will feature a slimmed-down version of the portly leader doing his popular dance, Jongun- Jongun style. In a fierce backlash to Time Magazine’s refusal to name him as ‘Person of the Year 2012’ (even though he had clearly won the poll) and the smashing success of South Korean’s Psy and his Gangnam style, Kim will conquer all manner of media next year. In a final relish, as a perfect icing on the cake, he will repeat his ‘Sexiest Man Alive’ award from the prestigious news website; The Onion (www.theonion.com).
3. David Cameron has an Annus Horibilis, as his deputy, Nick Clegg is forced to resign from the coalition government, as his time as Lib-Dem leader comes to an abrupt and shocking end. Forced to uphold the spirit of the coalition, Cameron has to choose a deputy from the Lib-Dem ranks. After an excruciating period of political-trading, he finally settles (to the sheer horror of his Conservative mates) for the newly reinstated David Laws, who had been forced to step down in 2010, when he was found to have diverted up to £40,000 expenses to his gay lover. In an incredible twist, Mr Laws who had held the unenviable record of being the shortest serving minister of modern times (17 days!) will go on to be the first publicly known gay person to rise so high in British public office. By the end of the year, Cameron's star is faded and calls to unseat him grow ever louder.
4. High-ranking members of the Illuminati hold a ground-breaking world conference where they unveil their identities and state their intention to take on the NRA, Koko Bambam, Al-Qaeda, Iran and the Church of Scientology. In a development that pitches Hollywood neighbour against neighbour, The House of Carter (Jay-Z and B) will fall out with The House of Grease (John Travolta and his missus).  Tom Cruise is shocked to find out Will Smith and Jada secretly go to a Pentecostal church, once the Scientology sermons end. Their VIP status is brutally removed and their names expunged from the list of those who would have been on the Scientology spaceship, when the world ends in 2014. To finally consolidate their grip on the world, The Illuminati expel all registered members from Nigeria, Russia and Iran, for their part in a massive fraud that also sees the end of the Barclays brand worldwide.
5. President Obama and quite frankly the whole world, are shocked to their very core when Mitt Romney defects to the Democratic Party. Within months, he is made SOSTUS (to the utter annoyance of John Kerry who has to give way) and by the end of 2013, he is being touted as the 2016 Democratic Presidential candidate. In recoils of massive proportions, Romney is banned from all Deep South states and the NRA commission target practice boards with his emblazoned image. Romney ends the year as a champion of abortion, gay and minority rights. Phew....who knew?

I don’t know about you, but I just can’t wait. Happy 2013!