Wednesday, 30 January 2013

The Art of giving away your Wedge.

At last, it appears that RIM has gathered the necessary courage to release their new phone, the Z10. I especially like their motto for this new addition; "built to keep you moving."

Because if there is anything Research In Motion needs to do at this very moment, it is to keep moving. Apple and Samsung are albatrosses around its neck, and any misstep will mean goodnight sweet berry. 63 million handsets sold by Samsung to RIM's 12 million, shows the ever-increasing disparity.

If I were RIM's CEO, Thorsten Heins, the very first thing I will do is don my charity hat and lower prices for this handset in Africa and Asia. Those two continents are the most pragmatic when it comes to saving money and have more or less carried RIM on their shoulders for the last two years. They deserve some payback just for that.

Granted, they have done so because of the BBM feature (which is now the official gossip medium in Nigeria and China), but who cares why people buy the phones, as long as you can rub Apple and Samsung noses in it? I must say the news of Alicia Keys being made your 'Global Creative Director,' was a neat move, but lets concentrate on basic numbers for now. If you need any assistance with the local knowledge in Nigeria, may I suggest you call the chaps at Guinness.

A word is enough for the wise, Herr Heins!

Talking about wise charitable moves, just when you thought Africa would remain the continent that struggled to produce charitable individuals like Paul Newman, Bill Gates and Warren Buffet, a bright piece of news has shone through from the Cape. Patrice Motsepe, South Africa's richest man has decided to give half his fortune to the needy.

Inspired by the efforts of 70 other billionaires worldwide, Motsepe has started his own foundation and also decided to join forces with the likes of Buffet and Gates in their The Giving Pledge campaign started in 2010.

As a Nigerian, obviously our competitive nature means I am pissed off we did not get there first, but lets be honest, 50% is a lot! It will probably mean one will lose one's status as Nigeria's richest individual and that is not something we like to do. Also, once your rivals know you are half the man or woman you used to be, they could move and crush you.

So, Aliko Dangote, even though we all know you really want to join these billionaires and give away half of your dough, perhaps it's better to hold on until you become President. Of course, you could always say you will give the money away and then renege on the promise.....we are so used to the ruling elite not delivering on their promises in Nigeria, so you can be rest assured we will not bat an eyelid.

Saying that, don't be caught sleeping sir. You know how the ethnic issue is in Naija.....don't let the likes of Folorunsho Alakija and Jim Ovia sneak in and join The Giving Pledge before you! We are the masters at thunder-stealing and you need to be watchful at all times.

One country that definitely needs to be watchful when it comes to their Wonga, is Zimbabwe. Apparently, as of last week, the governments coffers only had $217 (£138)! Damn, it turns out Old Man Mugabe does not trust anyone with the country's funds, so he transferred it all into his. He has since given the Central Bank £30M, so the country can keep about keeping your eye on the purse strings and being charitable at the same time.

I wish we had this type of benevolent embezzlement all over Africa, although I doubt it will ever spread to Nigeria. I know charity is meant to begin at home, but walahi, once that money walks out of the nation's coffers, you will grow grey waiting for its return!

Sunday, 27 January 2013

The Season of the long Blue-black knives.

So, some Tories are out to get David Cameron and replace the Prime Minister with, wait for it....Windsor MP, Adam Afriyie.

And? I hear you ask. Maybe, I should spell the name for clarity; A-F-R-I-Y-I-E. No? Nothing? Oh well, since you are going to be a spoilsport, I better let you in on the secret....he is black!!!

Try not to choke on your cornflakes, this is 2013 Britain....our heroes come in a variant of colours ;-)

Actually, he is 'post-racial not black' (his own words). Son of a Ghanaian father and a British mother, Adam is probably one of those mixed-race people like Tiger Woods, who detest people referring to them as black.

To be fair, I suppose it's only fair that the 50-50 blood is acknowledged. We wouldn't call mixed-race people white, so why call them black, right?

Actually, it's a free world and I don't really care what Mr Afriyie calls himself, as long as he does not try to introduce us to another word like 'Caubliasian' (this was Tiger's gift to us during one of his Oprah confessionals!). To the uninitiated, that stands for Caucasian, Black and Asian...Lol!

Poor Tiger...yes, we know you are very good at putting your balls in a hole (well, several ugly holes), but you are such a muppet off the course!!!

Anyhoo, back to the matter at hand, some Conservative backbenchers (that's another word for bitter people who have no influence within their ruling party), have got together and decided to truncate Cameron's time at the top. Apparently, Mr Afriyie is the Tory Obama and he will be a lifesaver for their dwindling political fortunes.

Talking of fortunes, it turns out AA is a self-made man with £100 Million dangling in his back pocket! Damn shon...that's some dough and considering our current cabinet is 80% millionaires, he will definitely fit in.

Wow...young, rich and black (sorry, post-racial). The combination is so intoxicating and you can just imagine the likes of Tinnie Tempah, Dizzee and Labyrinth, coming onboard and making the Tories cool again....not. Aaaah, by the way, for those of you wondering what the man of the moment looks like (you know you are), here's a pic of him and his missus.

Adam Afriyie and the missus

He looks every bit the Tory....doesn't he? Even down to the blue suit! His wife is cute too....although, she is worryingly in red....Labour alert!

Well, I wish you luck Sir with your leadership plot. Much as I would like to see you become the British Obama, I would rather place my chips on Chuka Umunna, Labour MP for Streatham.

Nothing personal, I just want Nigeria to pip Ghana to the Downing Street finishing line...major bragging rights bro...major!

Friday, 25 January 2013

Ai No Korea....

Saw a really funny comic the other day run the gauntlet of the Apollo Live audiences in Harlem. Chubby, bespectacled and generally very funny looking, he went on to advise everyone to always 'stay in their zone.' His reason for saying this? Well, apparently he had made the mistake of donning his friend's full-length fur coat for a night out....all was well until he claimed someone mistook him for a brown bear and shot him with a tranquilizer!

Extremely funny, but there was a morale to the tale....when fully aware of your shortcomings, don't put yourself in compromising situations!

For instance, can anyone please explain to me what the BBC were thinking when they aired a kids programme (or any other programme for that matter) with a Jimmy Saville spoof onboard? I mean, how many more chances do they want to get their act straight?! You almost feel like there is a hard-core 'Jim will fix it' appreciation cult within the corporation, with the members hellbent on perpetuating the legacy of their depraved icon, even if it means the worldwide broadcaster gets razed to the ground in the process. *Deep Sigh*

Leaving that decrepit organisation behind, let's take a quick trip to Davos, where the yearly jamboree of world leaders, movers and shakers takes place. Granted, a lot of worthy and well-meaning individuals turn up to fight the good guy's corner, but it is very difficult to swallow the wanton waste of money this must be for countries like Nigeria, where our resident problems definitely do not sit comfortably with such excess. As if that was not bad enough, we have President Goodluck Jonathan grant CNN's Christine Amanpour (no less) an interview where he basically became a fiction writer!!! Not cool at all should have known we would all be watching and listening. You should have definitely stayed in your zone!

Lastly, let's talk about one of my heroes...a man who doesn't give a flying fudge about zones. He just wants to blow sh*t up! What piece on the current ways of the world would be complete without the mention of the cuddly dictator Kim Jong-un. What a crazy week it has been for the Nuclear one. Still steaming from the accusation he had undergone plastic surgery to look more like his grandfather Kim II Sung, the poor little rich boy now has to deal with UN sanctions! All this after Pyongyang had been generous enough to grant an American, honorary North Korean citizenship (where is the gratitude?). On top of all that, the South Koreans had the gall to conquer the pop world with Psy!

Of course now, the Great Leader has no choice but to threaten nuclear war on all and sundry. Oh, by the way, for those who are not of political leanings, a word of advice. Wherever you hear North Korea threatening the US, please replace those two letters with South Korea. It's a code that only a few of us understand, but one that every single South Korean is totally aware of.

Little Kim is not only prepared to leave his zone, the cute-looking, teddy bear of a man is bloody looking forward to it! Some crazy guys at NMA TV put together a video which you have to see:

Could the last person left in South Korea please turn off the light....

Tuesday, 1 January 2013

This Land

Watching the fireworks dazzlingly display across the skies over the London Eye in the early hours of 1st January 2013, reminded me of everything it meant to be a Briton. Now, some of you might ask what is indeed a Briton?

I plan to address this at the end of the piece.....hold your fire!!!

As the heavens came alive with colour and sparkle all over Westminster, one could not only admire the spectacular, but accept the obvious. These fireworks were very unBriton-like (my own phrase).....too much extended assistance, too much expected glitterati , too little suspense and way too much extravagance.

And so, some of us wonder, we debate, we elaborate, we stretch and finally, we accept. Today's Britain has indeed been wondered upon, debated about, elaborated on, stretched and accepted. The image of the 'Briton' past, actually has no resonance in 2012. The squareness, even echoed in the thought of the word, means today's citizenry has migrated a million light years away, to a much rounder and comfortable world. These days, no one can afford to be square, actually, no one wants to be square - it is not even a distant fantasy. The stiff upper-lip has loosened....

When those wondrous fluorescent collages hit the sky, I slowly came to realise they are manifestations of a collective solid and everything else falls aside; nationality, creed, race, space or religion, become oasis-like dreams. Even those who rule us see it. The Briton has changed....sorry, I meant to say has died.

It's evolution....there is a new patriotic, loyal, dependable and solid type we can still all rely on. The only piece of the jigsaw we need to plug, requires us to forget the word, 'Briton,' as there is a new type in town. This type has a new philosophy and a new culture, funnily, this type evades a moniker and detests labels. This type has a new way of life. A way of life embarrassingly better than the one before....we should open up our arms to it.

Judging by those fairy goddesses in the skies yesterday, the fireworks crew already have.....they know the 'new' Briton has arrived!