Sunday, 23 December 2012

My 5 Predictions for 2013

I don't know about you, but 2012 was a difficult year on this side of the fence. So, in the spirit of looking forward, I have decided to leave 2012 behind and cleave onto a new chapter. 

Everything must be brand new! Brand new attitude…. brand new swag… brand new dreams and brand new vision for the new year.

Talking of visions, I would love to tease and pretend I have some psychic powers that have given me a special insight (or should that be foresight?) into the future. The truth is, I don't even know what going to happen in the next 5 minutes. In any case, in the spirit of being laid-back armed with a somewhat frivolous artistic licence, these are the events I see shaping 2013:

  1. A new Nigerian terror organisation will rise. Koko Bambam will concentrate on kidnapping and extortion. With members in almost every country on earth, KB will be the first outfit to take advantage of the cumulative dissatisfaction within the Nigerian Diaspora. Before the end of 2013, in their most audacious plot, they will kidnap the Nigerian President. Incredibly, to their chagrin, no one will want him back.
  2. In a move that rattles the free world, North Korean leader Kim Jong-un, will become an international pop star with over 2 billion You Tube hits for his first single; Kim Rule the World. Heavily sampling BeyoncĂ©’s Run the World (Girls) and blatantly giving her no credit on the CD, Kim’s video will feature a slimmed-down version of the portly leader doing his popular dance, Jongun- Jongun style. In a fierce backlash to Time Magazine’s refusal to name him as ‘Person of the Year 2012’ (even though he had clearly won the poll) and the smashing success of South Korean’s Psy and his Gangnam style, Kim will conquer all manner of media next year. In a final relish, as a perfect icing on the cake, he will repeat his ‘Sexiest Man Alive’ award from the prestigious news website; The Onion (
  3. David Cameron has an Annus Horibilis, as his deputy, Nick Clegg is forced to resign from the coalition government, as his time as Lib-Dem leader comes to an abrupt and shocking end. Forced to uphold the spirit of the coalition, Cameron has to choose a deputy from the Lib-Dem ranks. After an excruciating period of political-trading, he finally settles (to the sheer horror of his Conservative mates) for the newly reinstated David Laws, who had been forced to step down in 2010, when he was found to have diverted up to £40,000 expenses to his gay lover. In an incredible twist, Mr Laws who had held the unenviable record of being the shortest serving minister of modern times (17 days!) will go on to be the first publicly known gay person to rise so high in British public office. By the end of the year, Cameron's star is faded and calls to unseat him grow ever louder.
  4. High-ranking members of the Illuminati hold a ground-breaking world conference where they unveil their identities and state their intention to take on the NRA, Koko Bambam, Al-Qaeda, Iran and the Church of Scientology. In a development that pitches Hollywood neighbour against neighbour, The House of Carter (Jay-Z and B) will fall out with The House of Grease (John Travolta and his missus).  Tom Cruise is shocked to find out Will Smith and Jada secretly go to a Pentecostal church, once the Scientology sermons end. Their VIP status is brutally removed and their names expunged from the list of those who would have been on the Scientology spaceship, when the world ends in 2014. To finally consolidate their grip on the world, The Illuminati expel all registered members from Nigeria, Russia and Iran, for their part in a massive fraud that also sees the end of the Barclays brand worldwide.
  5. President Obama and quite frankly the whole world, are shocked to their very core when Mitt Romney defects to the Democratic Party. Within months, he is made SOSTUS (to the utter annoyance of John Kerry who has to give way) and by the end of 2013, he is being touted as the 2016 Democratic Presidential candidate. In recoils of massive proportions, Romney is banned from all Deep South states and the NRA commission target practice boards with his emblazoned image. Romney ends the year as a champion of abortion, gay and minority rights. Phew....who knew?

I don’t know about you, but I just can’t wait. Happy 2013!

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